The Arrogant Me

The inevitable happened. After weeks of irritating and pestering , "Ramakrishna" finally blustered. A dramatized version of what he said -

"You know it is not always about you! Your intelligence, your scores, your norms in life. Other people have a life too. Who are you to call them "dumb" or to "trivialize" their existence. You need to acknowledge that life is a learning process."

My problem with this was not "what he said or the way he said it". The problem was that at some level I already knew what he was saying and my oblivion in the past, meant now there are miles before I start feeling a degree of freedom. It is nautral - "If you are arrogant and unaware of your arrogance you are in bliss. If however you are arrogant and aware of it - Dude you are fucked up!" Now as usual I have a confession to make. Here it goes.

I have been sharing my flat with a co-researcher for the past few months. We have been working on the same project and over my interactions I have formed an opinion that he is not very bright. He is unable to solve cursory problems satisfactorily even after trying for long periods of time. His own dissatisfaction is quite perceivable. However my impression is that he has developed a defense mechanism wherin he refuses to admit his failures. In addition he is extremely careless. He leaves food in the pantry which gets infested by ants, never switches off the light before leaving a room and forgets to flush the toilet : ( I have hence formed a strong opinion that academics is not ideally suited for him. He should take up a job where he can earn a decent salary and live a rather idyllic life which is what he is anyway living. Now the ruminations.

I do realize that I am being bitchy. I cant help it! : ( Better come out with it outrightly than let it seethe in some corner of your heart. I do realize that I am being condescending. I have formed an impression only based on the limited interactions. I do not have enough evidence to coroborate that his life is indeed idyllic. Further even if I for a moment assume that he has all these shortcomings, it is unclear what gives me the right to doubt somebody else's choice. After all each one of us lives with varied degrees of rationality and the heterogeneity makes this world beautiful.

This is however not the worst problem. The worst problem is that over all this period of our interaction, I have derived a fair bit of intellectual satisfaction from looking down upon him. So, in some sense I do not want him to take the corrective measures. I want him around me so that I have somebody who I can look down upon and feel great.

In conclusion is a shabad from Sri Guru Nanav Dev Ji

Naanak baerree sach kee thareeai gur veechaar
O Nanak, the Boat of Truth will ferry you across; contemplate the Guru.

I seriously hope the boat of truth ferries me across.

-Satnam Waheguru